My Lenten Journey

I've journeyed long; I have overcome many obstacles and carry the burden of others I can't let go of.   I have endured many trials, lost my faith, picked up my pieces and looked to the heavens.  At times anxiously wanting to take control, I walk by faith knowing that acceptance is where I find peace.

This Lenten season finds me reflecting on all of my story: My past, my present and my future.  I'm defined by my past but I reside in the future, in planning, in looking forward to, in anticipating.   The present is where I need to be, but it's uncomfortable.  I avoid it by filling my calendar with dates and my space with noise.  I made a Lenten resolution to be more present and to quiet the noise in my head.  Then I discovered that the noise has a place, a purpose.  In its absence I am face to face with the fears, the reality, the truth that I've been avoiding.

Some things are best left undone.  But not fears.  They need to be faced, confronted and overcome. The fear of letting go is a big one for me.  It exposes my vulnerability and the reality that I have no control.  I am a blind man guided by a higher power and I must learn to trust.   It's both liberating and frightening.  I don't have to be in control, I just need to be present and trust.  Sounds simple enough.

2015: A year in review

This weather has the effect of putting me in an introspective mood, so I figured this would be a good time to wrap up the year and write up some intentions for 2016.  First things first.  2015 was a year of abundance, transitions (change) and a lot of growth for our family.  Personally I experienced a lot of internal and external shifting in priorities and goals.  I graduated high school 20 years ago, and while that may sound like a sob story my late 30s are proving to be pretty amazing.  I'm stronger and happier than ever and looking forward to many more years of health and happiness. 3 major events defined our year:

1) Dave got a new job, after having worked at Intel for over 17 years.
2) Isaac changed schools, he was admitted into a Dual Immersion Spanish Program.
3) Lucia started working from home.

The kids engaged in various activities throughout the year:  Isaac in Tae Kwon Do, Swimming and Little League and Andrea in Gymnastics and Dance.  Lucia and the kids spent a lot of time at the park, library, cafe art, rockin jump, hiking, playing, and overall enjoying childhood in all its glory.  Lucia engaged in bible study, various night outs with friends, and continued to work on her running.  As a couple Dave and Lucia enjoyed regular date nights.

January

Jan 3-4: We started the year off in grand style by celebrating our 13th Anniversary with an overnight trip to Healdsburg, one of our favorite spots. We enjoyed a long and fabulous dinner at Cafe Lucia and did some wine tasting the day after before heading back home.
Jan 6, 20, & 29th: Dave traveled to Portland for work
January 11th: Lucia ran the Coastal Trail Run (22 miles) and our good friends baptized their baby boy.
January 31st:  Dave gets a taste of driving fast in a Ferrari :)

February

Feb 14th:  We celebrated Andrea's birthday Frozen style
Feb. 22-27:  We spent a week in  Southern California to celebrate Dave and Andrea's birthday
Feb. 22:  We visited Pinnacles, what a magical place!
Feb. 23:  Spent the day wine tasting in Santa Maria, CA
Feb. 24:  Dinner at House of Blues to celebrate Dave's birthday
Feb. 25-26:  Disneyland!!!

March

Mar 7: Isaac's first Little League game of the season
Mar 9:  Dave's first day at his new job
Mar 28: Lucia runs Livermore 1/2

April

Apr 5:  Celebrated Easter at Joyce's house
Apr 11:  Kellie's bridal shower!!!
Apr 12: Lucia and Isaac participate in the PPIE run.  Lucia holds an 8:20min/mile pace, her goal for 2015
April 26:  Lucia had the honor of being Sam's, 1st Communion Godmother and celebrating with his family on this day.

May

My calendar entries for May were slim.  This could be a sign that I was either very busy or not focused enough, one of the two :)

May 9:  Lucia ran the Cinderella Mother's Day run (unofficially since she was recovering from an illness)
May 10:  Mother's Day picnic at Retzlaff
May 23:  Lucia was honored to be Ally Pethebridge's Confirmation Sponsor and celebrate with her family on this day

June

June 5-6  Lucia visits with friend Paola in Southern California by  herself and meets her new baby Sofia.
June 20th  Kellie and Ryder's Wedding, the kids were flower girl and ring boy
June 22: Isaac's first day of Summer school
June 26-28 Big Sur Camping trip with my sister and her family

July

July 9: Isaac turns 6!
July 11:  Isaac's birthday party Big Hero 6 style
July 26:  Lucia completed the Big Basin 50K trail run!
July 31-Aug 2  Fallen Leaf Camping trip with the Pethebridges

August

Aug 8-14:  We spent a week in Carlsbad, basking in the sun and relaxing.  We got to spend a couple of days visiting with family in Southern California.
Aug 20-23:  Calaveras Big Trees Camping Trip
Aug 24:  School resumes and Isaac begins DI program
Aug 30:  Lucia runs the Diablo Trail Run 1/2

September

Sept 5: I visited my friend Griselda and met her new baby Max
Sept. 23: Isaac begins faith formation
Sept 26:  My birthday!  We celebrated overnight in SF with dinner at Lolos

October

Super busy month!
Oct 3:  Star Wars themed Giants game--A ball!
Oct. 16:  Andrea and Dave join Naomi's birthday at Disney on Ice
Oct 25:  Chardonnay Run with Joyce (Super fun!)
Oct 31: Halloween party at our new friends' house

November

Again, another busy month.  Few entries but a couple memorable ones

Nov 26: Lucia runs turkey trot 1/2 and breaks 2hrs (1:55)
Nov. 26:  Thanksgiving with friends

December

Dec 4:  Nutcracker "Mommy and Daughter" outing
Dec 10:  Annual MOMS cookie exchange
Dec 12:  Angel Island 10K Run followed by brunch and wine tasting--Awesome!
Dec. 20:  Christmas lunch at Joyce's
Dec. 24th: Christmas Eve at our house
Dec. 25:  CHRISTMAS!
Dec. 26-30 Visit family in LA
Dec. 31st:  NYE at the Gurdians

It was a great year!

Going forward this year I'm setting out some intentions:

1) Consume less, spend less, rethink every purchase--While 2015 was a year of abundance, I think that scaling back is often necessary to maintain ourselves grounded.  2016 will be a year of less but more quality.

2) Break old habits--I realized over the break that I've fallen into some bad habits that I need to break.  I am prepping myself for and setting out an intention to work on these throughout the year.  There are 3 major ones that through prayer and intention I hope to overcome.

3) Being more present with my children and thriving in my role as a mother--I've become quite comfortable with my roles and I enjoy motherhood more than I ever imagined.  I'm settling in well into my new identity and embracing my mommy body and mind.  This is a huge accomplishment thus far so I hope to continue down this path.

Cheers to 2016!

Addictions and addicts

I've had a few conversations with friends and family about addictions recently. I'm not sure why people are drawn to discuss the subject with me but it helps reinforce my position on it. I am the daughter, sister, cousin, niece, and friend of addicts. I've lived side by side them and grew to love them despite their illness. I've also witnessed many tragedies resulting from the consequences of these addictions. Some so personal I still carry their weight and deal with their repercussions. I can forgive the mistakes of an addict because deep inside I understand their struggles. I am not an addict but I know that it is in my genes to be one, so I keep a close watch on these tendencies.

As a mother, one thing that particularly concerns me is how NOT to raise addicts in light of the genes we pass down to our children. Of course modeling good choices, having family dinners and keeping the communication lines open with our children are key, but what else should we be doing to steer our offspring away from the many temptations they will face in school and other circles?  Legal and illegal substances are so commonplace and freely dispensed that there are equal risks at home as there are on the streets and at the doctor's office.  But aside from illicit substances, there are other addictions we may be passing down to our children without realizing it:  Smart phone, social networking, food, exercise, shopping... the list goes on.  Addictions take many forms and it isn't unusual for one to lead to another.  So I guess the best way we can safeguard our children is by keeping our own addictions in check.

I have come to realize that some personalities are more addiction prone than others. Competitive and perfectionist individuals, for example, are the right candidates for addictions. They use substances to tone down their self imposed rigors and deal with failure. Alcohol is a great social lubricant, thus, a magnet for shy or socially uncomfortable individuals who will often be drawn to it to smooth out their discomfort at social gatherings.  Type A and high energy individuals use barbiturates to relax.  More risky personalities will seek out the thrill of exuberant drugs like cocaine and hallucinogens.  At some point in our lives we have all been exposed to many of these substances and have chosen to engage or not.  I am interested to know how we an teach our children to disengage when given the choice. I'd love to start a dialogue.

Here is a great piece about addictions.  I like this perspective although I agree with some of the comments that we cannot love an addict back to recovery.  But it certainly helps.  Enjoy!

http://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong

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On food ethics

For years I haven't looked at the weekly ads that clog my mailbox week after week; tri- folding pages of overly processed foods that we never consume anyway, why bother. Lately though I'm drawn to the produce displays because despite knowing that nectarines are chronically in the dirty dozen list, 59 cents a pound, for beautifully rounded and firmly fleshed nectarines are getting harder and harder to resist. I find them at the farmers market for $4/pound so we just don't consume them that much.

Cherries are another Summer favorite. I pay up to $10/pound at the farmers market and I see ads running for $.99/pound. I keep reminding myself that I buy more than the fruit, I buy health for our bodies and the environment, not to mention the health of the farm workers. Do you know how many chemicals are applied to these fruits? It varies by the year and the variety, but dozens, hundreds at times. Some chemicals are so poisonous they require face masks and special warnings for their application. But then what? Where does the chemical cocktail go? Some of it is absorbed in the plant and the fruit we consume, but most of it seeps into the soil, runs into our water systems and ends up contaminating bodies of water that people depend upon for survival. Some may even run into the ocean and cause massive fish killings (dead zones in the ocean) amongst other problems. Other chemicals are airborne and cause respiratory problems for those living in nearby communities.

How does this concern us? It doesn't have to, 59 cents a pound is too hard to resist. Go ahead and indulge.




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Summer slow down

Isaac's last day of school was last Friday. We had a few very busy weeks leading up to it and I was hoping that come this week things were going to slow down a bit. I was wrong. This week is particularly busy with many fun things and events, but busy nonetheless. I want (need) to catch my breath, I want (need) to reconnect with my children, I want (need) to stop rushing everywhere. It's my Summer goal.




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Mother's Day Run

I don't have any medals to show, but I give myself one for getting out there today and continuing tradition. Last year I ran the Cinderella 30K at San Joaquin Miller Redwood Park in Oakland. I had so much fun I decided to make it a yearly tradition. That was also the run that got me hooked on trail running so in many ways it's a very dear one to me. I signed up and trained accordingly. I did hill work, worked on my endurance and speed runs and lifted weights to strengthen my legs because climbing 3500' is no stroll around the park. Last weekend I had an amazing 13 mile run (10 miles run at tempo pace). I was charged and ready.

I've been sick this week. It started with a sore throat on Tuesday that turned into severe head-pounding congestion, vigorous coughing, body aches and chills by Wednesday afternoon. I spent Thursday and Friday bedridden and miserable. I don't remember a time when a cold put me out like that. I made a decision on Thursday night to withdraw my registration. I know myself too well. If I commit to something I drag myself out there and push through the distance. I knew it wasn't wise so I made the call, and I'm glad.

I fought this bug like a mad woman. I made a big batch of chicken soup with tons of garlic, onion, turmeric and oregano. I rubbed oregano oil on the soles of my feet, upped my dose of C & D3 & zinc, took some echinacea, and homeopathic cold medicine, drank lots of water with lemon and rested. By Friday evening I hit a turning point and got a strange surge of energy. I found myself wishing I could still go out and run so I decided I would. I decided to unofficially run the half marathon course, early enough to avoid most runners, and I packed all my necessities because there would be no aid stations available to me. The first mile almost made me turn around. What was I doing? My chest burned, I was gasping for air and felt a bit disoriented. I slowed down a bit and that seemed to help. Once I set into pace the first half of the course was quite lovely. I looked at the time and figured that if I clocked in 12 minute miles I would be right on track to catch the beginning of Isaac's game. That motivated me to keep on pace.

By mile six I began gasping for air again and the chest burning returned. I knew the big hills were just up mile 8 so I decided to fuel and hydrate as often as I could. My pace dropped to a shuffle, and then a walk. Somewhere around mile 9 I coughed out a lung and the first batch of male runners passed me. Shortly behind them was the first female. I was elated for her but she wasn't too happy to see me. She scanned me head to toe looking for my bib. She was sizing me! I smiled and said: "You are in the lead, go get 'me boys." She zoomed past me and faded in the distance. I assured myself that she was 15 years my minor and in good health.

It is indeed a beautiful course! And a challenging one at that. For every up hill there is a steeper downhill, and I'm more afraid of those. Around mile 12 a guy in front of me lost his footing and swallowed dirt. It was a painful fall I could tell. It reminded me why I'm so careful on the downhills. The last mile was nice and flat. I could hear the energy at the finish line. I cut off the trail shortly before encountering it and went right to my car. I felt physically fine and my heart was content.

Happy Mother's Day to me!



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Are runners leaders or team players?

At a recent dinner conversation, the topic came up of why I practice long distance running as my sport of choice. It was mentioned that, generally, people who are competitive, focused, determined and ambitious choose individual sports...because they are not good team players, but they can be good leaders. The conversation took me back twenty something years to a time in my life when I was both struggling to define my identity and vulnerable. A person I looked up to, a father figure, challenged me for not being a good team player.  Not sure what he based his accusation on but that phrase played in my head for many years to come and would become especially loud during team building efforts.  In some ways I may have risen to that label and chosen to work alone for fears of failing my team.  My discipline and proactivity favored me in leadership roles so I generally assumed those.  But I didn't know at the time that I could, also be a good team player.

What constitutes a leader?  Judy Rossi, author "Raising Responsible Children" states: "The essence of leading...is 'others first'" She urges us to consider Christ's leadership: "He didn't lead by dominating; He led by serving. He didn't save by another's sacrifice but by His own." So in other words, a leader should be concerned with the least of his group and make sure he/she is not left behind. Mark 9:35 says "If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all."   So if runners can be leaders and leaders are by essence team players, does that mean runners can be team players?  My experience has shown me exactly that.  Runners can be excellent leaders and team players, it just depends on the circumstances and a seasoned runner knows how to differentiate.

I began running during my senior year in high school, during a transitive time characterized by very high stress. Running was my release. I wasn't fast, I wasn't one of the better runners in the team, I was probably the worst, but it didn't matter. The competition was always with myself, on how I could overcome the challenges, on how I could beat a personal record, on how I could sometimes just finish a race, that alone was an accomplishment. At the same time running enabled me to deal with all my stressors in my life and the stamina I built logging miles transferred to other areas, propelling me and keeping me strong for the long days ahead. But it was something I mostly did alone.  I call this the early phase of my running journey.

After high school I stopped racing and just ran for fun. Yes. I said it.  I ran for fun. I looked forward to any opportunity to lace my shoes and hit the pavement for as long as I could go, without any idea of where I would go. Every run was spontaneous.  This is the phase of no watches, water bottles, sweat wicking clothes or fancy tennis shoes.  I just ran. And I loved it. I ran in my lunch hour at work, I ran from my office home, I ran while my party guests slept on my kitchen floor after a long night of... too much fun! I ran to release tension, to get a good cry, to find a quiet spot and sit for a few minutes and catch my breath.  I ran to familiarize myself with my surroundings, to appreciate the beauty of a tree lined street that is often missed as we zoom by in our cars.  I ran while holding a cup of coffee (I do not recommend) and with too many grocery bags after a quick stop at the market. I ran for the joy of it. This is the epic part of my running life.  But still a lonely endeavor.

Running has remained an integral part of my life. It is both where I lose and find myself.    These days I carry a watch, a water bottle and I typically know the route and/or the distance I'm going to go.  I wear running appropriate clothes (though not the latest models), good tennis shoes (a must!) and I'm all too cognizant of my pace.   I have trained for an done a few races, worked on my pace, and realized some improvements.  I've also overcome some challenges and continue to discover new things about myself.  Nowadays I crave running in good company, sharing the road and journeying together.  During the same dinner conversation we discussed the topic of personal victories. I mentioned that my victories are measured daily during my training, and that race day is not where I put all my eggs. Generally, I prefer to run a race in good company rather than focusing on pace. And given the choice, I don't leave my company behind.  This also transfers in other areas of my life.

I guess I've entered the seasoned runner phase.  I can handle that.






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