Reflections

I've been reflecting a lot these last couple of days. A good friend mentioned that I have had a lot of losses and it occurred to me that I haven't exactly been acknowledging that fact. There is nothing like the loss of a close relative to put things in perspective for someone. I lost my brother just two days ago and I have been going through the motions of mourning: denial, suppression, anger, guilt, blaming, despair, sadness, etc. Fortunately I haven't denied myself any of those feelings so I've basically been a roller coaster of emotions. Losing a loved one is something that you must experience to understand. People ask: "where you close to him?" My answer: does it matter? A sibling is just that, a blood relative, someone you share life's experiences with; someone who saw you grow up, who knew you before you knew yourself; someone who perhaps was never your closest or best friend but who nevertheless had a closer connection with you than anyone else. I have a void in my heart and it doesn't matter if I hadn't seen or spoken to my brother in years, I still hurt. I hurt not because I miss him. This is all new to me. My body and brain haven't quite come to the realization that my brother is not in this human world anymore. I hurt because his death was so sudden, so premature, and so undeserved. I hurt because I wish his life had been different. I wish he had lived longer, happier, and that he had enjoyed his family a lot more. I hurt because I didn't have the power to cure his ailments and addictions and I witnessed him wasting away. Why does God allow these things to happen? Why does a good man have to perish in order for the rest of us to learn a lesson? As a woman of faith I understand God has a plan and a purpose. Ultimately I know he's in a better place. I just pray that God will be there to provide comfort to his children and to empower them to lead righteous lives. I know you are up there watching hermano. Please help us all out down here. You had that talent about you, everything just seemed so easy and smooth. I hope I learn that soon. I love you my brother and I will forever miss you. L