Summer break

I have very fond memories of Summer breaks during my high school years. We didn't have "vacations" per se, but those Summer years will be forever imprinted in my mind. I got to spend a lot of time with my sister. Amongst the most exciting things we did was walk to the nearby 7 Eleven for a hotdog and soda, which we shared because we didn't have enough money for one each. We would look into each others' mouths before letting the other take the next bite. How ridiculously silly is that, and yet, I can tell you that those hotdog days will never be forgotten. Neither will I forget how my legs tingled on very long walks to the nearby target to window shop. Yes, it was a whole 5 miles away, a days adventure, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
My brothers used to tease us for putting on a Winter "coat" (fat layer) in the Summer because we spent a lot of time laying around and eating. Mom used to say, "never mind, they will thin out in the Fall when school work sucks their energy out." And indeed we did. Back in those days when people were still able to dumpster dive my dad got a lot of great food from the nearby Lucky. We were new immigrants so we were very fortunate for this gift. I got introduced to new foods such as cottage cheese, eggplant, and buttermilk which I love! Summer time also brought a lot of fruit (peaches!) which was mostly overripe so mom used to make gallon sized smoothies for us. Cheese was another food that was widely abundant so we ate a lot of quesadillas overstuffed with all kinds of deli meats (gross, I know). Yep, those weren't exactly the most health conscious years of my life, but we were thankful for the bounty.
It's interesting looking back that even cleaning the carpet became a special event and we would celebrate with a movie and a round of cup of noodles for all. We had pool parties in the front yard. We just filled a kiddy pool and fit as many bodies as we could at a time. It was a great way to get a tan! We entertained ourselves quite easily and my parents never worried about Having us around...or at least it didn't show.
The Summer before her senior year my sister got a job at Winchells. That Summer we all packed on an extra layer as she would bring home all the days "leftovers" which were destined for the trash bin. We were raised to never waste food you see. She didn't have the heart to just put them in the dumpster so that my dad would later pick them up so she saved him a step :) my sister kept this job through part of her senior year and she managed to work, play soccer, and be a straight A student. She was my idol! Sadly this was also the last Summer I had her. She married soon after graduation. Oh how I miss those days of pure nothingness, of pure bliss.
Why then do I get anxious about idle time with my own children? My children don't need summer camps, vacations, music or art classes. They don't need early development books, videos, or props. They need me and free time to explore, to grow, to learn, and to be. My parents didn't enroll me in any special classes and yet I did very well for myself, thank you very much. The lessons of life I learned while being Idle have sustained me through many experiences and continue to provide the foundation I need to keep true to my core despite societal pressures to meet "standards." I have my own self imposed standards and don't really need more. And they are pretty stiff. Lately I've gotten the idea in my head that I will get a PHD in Public Health, and you know what? I just might. Once I'm able to have idle time :)
Happy Summer!
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Faith is

Faith is trusting, is knowing that I'm exactly where I need to be. It is living as if Gods promise (his kingdom in heaven) is present in my life. So everything I am and everything I do must be a reflection of it.

Thinking of my own testimony I began to question some things about my life. I have a few hang ups that inhibit me from finding my sense of place, and so I don't often feel contentment. This manifests itself in a constant yearning to be in the next place, to do the next thing. I like planning because it gives me a window into what tomorrow will bring. But I struggle with being fully present in the moment. I struggle finding joy in my life.

Joy to me is fulfillment, its feeling accomplished, it's doing. Joy is not being. Being is settling and I don't settle well. Not doing depresses me, stillness makes me anxious. But being anxious is not trusting that God and his Holy Spirit live in me, and without trust there is no faith.

So I begin my journey of faith on this May 1st with the intent of letting go of my hang ups in order to find joy in my life. Wow, I have no idea where to begin. I'm quite uncomfortable to be quite honest. Self loathing is so much easier. Cycling between being depressed and being anxious is known to me. Letting go is not.

My first goal: self acceptance


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