The last couple of months I've been witnessing a life changing event taking place right outside our front door. Our four year old is slowly being admitted into the big boy clique, something he's long desired and has worked diligently for. Our neighbors are very nice but the age difference is significant between the boys. But my guy refuses to give up. It melts my heart to see him hanging out with the boys. The excitement in his face is enough to light a room, even if he's merely allowed to show his toys. He is more than eager to conform. His need to belong is evident, in more ways than I begin to discover.
The need and the fear to belong are closely intertwined. As much as I bark about not wanting to be classified as a type and not subscribing to isms, deep inside I also yearn to identify with other people. Perhaps I rebel because I've always been right at the perimeter of all my associations so I figured that denying to myself and to others that I wanted in was always better than being rejected. Take for example, as a child I was told I was adopted because I didn't look like the rest of my siblings (out!), I was also outspoken about anything that I deemed unfair, so I wasn't exactly a malleable girl (out!). As life ran its course I was left out of many things I wanted, which I eventually accomplished, but not exactly in the order prescribed, like getting a college degree at 22 rather than at 34 years old. So I found myself surrounded by like minded people but not really belonging. You get the picture...
The feeling of always the bridesmaid and never the bride was always with me. I rejoiced watching people accomplish things I ardently desired but deep inside feeling...left out. In some ways I still feel this way.
Life teaches us important lessons. I have had my fair share. I don't feel sorry for myself, never have. I have used my shortcomings as stepping stones, most of the time any way :) I have let go of my fear to belong and sought the association of people with whom I find common ground. In doing so I've realized that we all fight similar demons. In every group I'm a part of there is someone who doesn't quite fit. This is all a personal perception obviously but it stems out of our deeply held desire to belong. This realization has made me a kinder person, embracing differences and welcoming those who feel like outsiders, because I know what it's like being in the other side of that fence. My permanent address lies on that side but people seem to like when I venture in to the circle. I like it too :)
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