I wrote this post several months ago but I needed to muster up the courage to confess something that Im not proud of. I run for health and freedom but I also run to eat. You've heard the stories...running torches calories right? Well, to a point. I found out the hard way that you really cannot outrun a poor diet. No matter how hard you try.
I'm not in the habit of weighing myself. Body image and weight issues have crowded my happiness at various times in my life and regular weight checks seem to trigger feelings of dependency on a number. So I avoid putting myself through that if I can help it. But...in April I stepped on the scale and the number revealed something I had long suspected. My comfort zone and my waist line had expanded quite a bit. Even with all my running. At the time I was averaging 50 miles of hard core training every week plus 2 sessions of weight lifting and lots of activity with the kids. And I was over compensating with food and wine. I was shocked! Confused? In denial, sure. I went about my day as usual but I simply could not take that number out of my head. I had plenty of soul searching to do.
I would often hear of people having such realizations when looking at their image on a photograph, a video or a reflection and commenting that they didn't recognize themselves. I always thought this was so bizarre. How could you not realize you are growing? Ridiculous! Funny thing is that weight distribution is a tricky thing and a person of my height and frame can easily carry 20 extra pounds without looking overweight. But the weight doesn't come on suddenly. It accrues slowly and we somehow adapt to the growing waistline by discarding clothing items that reveal the truth. I guess that was the case for me.
I began to casually journal everything I ate and drank, without judgement. And therein I found my answers. I am not a junk food eater, and my sugar consumption is minimal, but I have a big appetite, and I was consuming too much food. Additionally I was stress eating, and drinking. I felt unhealthy, depressed, and unmotivated to make a change. A few months passed before I actually started doing what I know works best: Counting calories. A friend recommended a site called loseit.com and I promptly began logging all my food and exercise. I was nervous at first, I'm not particularly fond of food restrictions but something about having to log all my calories made them a bit more meaningful to eat. I also cut back on my wine consumption, mostly because by the end of the day I was out of calories. This went on for about 4 months. I slowly dropped the first 9 pounds. And then something incredible happened, my birthday was soon approaching and I wanted to do something good for myself. In August I took a 30 day sobriety challenge. I was empowered by the changes I had already seen in myself and I wanted to find out just what role alcohol played in my life. It was tough at first but by the second week I gained an unprecedented level of confidence and the assurance that I was not an addict. Addictions can creep up on us so its always good to keep them at bay.
My weight plateaued since my original weight loss and I was getting a bit discouraged, but I was motivated by all the other changes I was noticing. I began taking my marathon training more seriously and gaining more confidence that some day soon I can strive to get a BQ. I stopped making excuses and claiming the space I allowed myself for training. My general anxiety dissipated and I found myself more at ease with my life and roles. All this as a result of taking charge of my daily choices and yes, it all begins with what we put in our bodies. I have dropped 2 more pounds and I'm getting really close to my goal. It makes me nervous for the what then. But I must remember that the process is just as important if not more than the end result. Being open and honest about myself is very important to me. This isn't meant as a bragging board. Its more like an accountability forum. I do hope it motivates someone else to make any necessary changes in their lives.
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