What drives me

Was at the supermarket, a quick stop to pick up some milk.  I pass the produce section, some fruit sounds good, it's so hot outside!  I come upon some big, round, plump, and delicious smelling nectarines for a mere $.99 a lb.  What a deal!  And then I remember my dirty five [never buy conventional Strawberries, Peaches, Lettuce, Bell Peppers or Potatoes as they have the highest pesticide residue, even after washing]  Against my will I turn against these nectarines that keep calling me.  I head directly into the organic section of the produce aisle and what do I find?  Peaches!  At the low $3.99 a lb these peaches look dull, not fresh, and unfortunately not even a hint of smell that can be detected.  I leave the supermarket confused and upset.  At times like these I feel that health is a privilege and not a right in this country.  As consumers we are left to fend for ourselves and go against what is natural.  Why wouldn't I buy those fresh nectarines when they are at the peak of their season.  Because my health and the health of my family is worth it.  Food justice is what this is called and I'm called to do something about it.  Big Ag Corporations receiving subsidies and kick-backs can afford to sell toxic nectarines for $.99 lb and why wouldn't people buy them?  Why didn't I buy them?  Because I know better and my job is to inform others who don't.

The life of an addict

In light of today's events I am inspired to write about addictions, not from an expert's point of view, but merely from a humble sufferer who has seen first hand what they can do to destroy people's lives.

There are more addicted people in my family than chose to admit it.  I lost my father to alcoholism.  In reality he took his own life but this was the effect of years of abuse that left him empty, lonely, and physically ill.  He simply couldn't bear living life in this manner.  There have been more tragic moments in my life than I can recall, most due to some form of addiction.  But addictions aren't just to substances; people can be addicted to cleanliness, to perfection, to exercise, to pessimism, to arguing.  But it is the former that really pull individuals out of their senses and take over their lives, ravaging along those closest to them.

I am a person of many addictions and I'm sure my past has something to do with this.  I am troubled but I've been very fortunate to find help and continue to grow despite my many challenges.  This said, I have a very soft spot for individuals who find themselves in the mist of an addiction with no help in sight.  To the outsider it is just so easy:  Just don't do it!  In a sense you are telling a symptomatic plant to stop pretending and just grow.  It's a choice right?  NO.  Before there was the plant there was a seedling, before the seedling the soil with its unique composition, nutrient content, and physical structure, before the soil the compost and a good  filtration system that allows for water and nutrient cycling, etc.  You get my point.  If a 6 year old child is troubled there is already at least that many years of damage that need consideration.  If a 27 year old is troubled, do the math.

We are a product of genetics and our environments.  Blessed are those  born in good solid homes who have suffered no major traumas.  For the rest of us, our fate dictates constant tightening of the screws.  I've already mentioned at least 2 major life changing events in my life.  Another is that I suffered from an eating disorder that almost killed me.  I was chronically depressed for years and could have taken my life.  Perhaps the reason I didn't was because as a Catholic I believe that my life is not mine.  Also because I had a crew of angels watching over me.  There is a period of about 6 years of my life of complete darkness.  I praise the day that help came in the form of a clinical trial that allowed me to get mood-stabilizing medication and regular counseling visits.  This was the stepping stone toward recovery.  I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if it hadn't been for that.

It is true that not all individuals have what it takes to get up on their own.  I know I don't.   So I pray for those who find themselves in these difficult situations.   Someone close to my heart finds herself in a lot of trouble.  She is young, talented, beautiful and empty.  Sounds familiar?  Please pray for all those suffering from addictions.  Judging is easy, helping those in need is not.

My journey with trust

I have a pretty good sense for people.  I consider this a gift because it enables me to get right past the fronts that some individuals feel so compelled to put up.  It also enables me to sympathize with those who are merely socially awkward like I sometimes can be.   Most importantly this gift has allowed me to rebuild my sense of trust for human kind.  Allow me to elaborate.  [Note, this posting is not for the faint of heart]

When I was 6 years old and again when I was 8 I was sexually molested by a priest, and by someone in my family.  For years I was unable to trust myself or others.  I feared everyone and everything.  Worst of all I held it all inside.  There was no one to tell.  No one who could do anything about it so I lived with this nightmare until I was old enough to seek out help.   Fortunately for me I found healing through strengthening my spiritual life and humbling myself to God.  I can say I have been able to have a fairly normal life ever since.

I have been challenged with the accusation that I have trust issues, and perhaps I still do.  My answer is that I've got a lot at stake.  I am now a mother and will fight like a Tiger to protect my cubs. When I meet someone I can almost immediately pick up their intentions, thoughts, and/or goals.  Call this a 6th sense?   Maybe just my overly tuned-in instincts.  I have people in my life whom I met years ago, whom I trust, and whom I know will remain in my life for ever.  Others I can say with almost clear certainty will not stay around for long.  So I guess I must have selective trust issues then.

I've got to thinking about this trust thing.  I find myself in a situation I hadn't been in for years.   I began to fear, not for myself but for my son.  With this fear comes distrust. I know what people are capable of and I will not be blind to any of it.  Most recently I have set some very clear boundaries with toxic people in my life, people whom from the beginning I knew were not true to themselves or others, and especially not to me.  I pray that I made the right decision because it has been a very painful one for our family.

A child is born

My baby boy turns 2 today!  Time is passing by too quickly.  As I reflect on his birth and the changes he has brought into my life, I can't help to wonder what my little boy will aspire to be as an adult.  He's an interesting combination of 2 very different people.  Me, a middle child, rebellious, independent, detrimentally autonomous, somewhat impulsive and a survivor.  Dave, a first born, only child, also independent, very analytical, somewhat stubborn and rigid at times, and also a survivor.

What do I mean by a survivor?  A survivor is someone who willingly or unwillingly has gone through much change, pain or trauma, and difficulty in life, and manages to find his/her way out and up; someone who isn't afraid of challenges and who faces life face forward.  A survivor is also someone who can stand to lose everything, start from scratch, and find the resources he/she needs to be successful.  Dave and I are a strange combination, at times opposites, but fundamentally similar. As parents, we have tremendous influence on our children, directly and indirectly. So that brings me back to the theme of my note today.

Isaac possesses somewhat of a split personality.  On the one hand he is willful, stubborn, independent, and very autonomous.  On the other he is a sensitive,  loving, and overly cautious child.   He is a risk taker yet he understands danger.  He loves structure, yet hates confinement.  He is independent, yet he always makes sure we are around to watch his step.   He has such a tender spot for animals that secretly I hope he becomes a wildlife Biologist. At times I just sit back and observe him and I am overwhelmed by his ability to translate the information around him into a language that makes sense to him.  I am in awe by this creation.  I can't take any of the credit, I just feel blessed to be a witness to this life being formed and I will do everything in my power to help my son succeed.