A few years back I would be dreading this day, and the days following it. As a matter of fact, I often fantasized about being able to skip over the holidays. Not anymore. Thankfully.
Earlier today I was thinking about an entry for my gratitude journal. I kept asking myself: "what am I thankful for?" A million things came to mind: family, friends, our house, our neighborhood, etc. And while I'm thankful for all these things every day, today I am especially thankful for something else I had not taken notice of. I am thankful for my changed relationship with myself, with my family, and with food. First things first. Let's talk about food.
My relationship with food
I once had a dysfunctional relationship with food. A what? Yes, a sort of love/hate relationship with it. It was overwhelming, paralyzing, terrifying, and so it occupied much of my waking hours. I obsessed about every morsel that went into my mouth and about the calories I could avoid. Holidays were a particularly difficult time due to the overabundance of rich foods. A self-proclaimed health nut I counted calories more frequently than I took breaths during the day. What a sad story that was. Today it finally hit me that I was looking forward to this day and food was a secondary thought. My relationship with food has evolved to a level of nutrition and energy supply. I still love food but I don't hate myself when I eat. That is something I am truly grateful for.
My relationship with family
If I could have one wish granted this day it would be for my (blood) family to be together at least once again before we lose another family member. Sadly this wish may not be granted. I miss my gang more than words can express. Yes we are a crazy bunch and being together brings the best and worst in all of us, but we are still brothers and sisters and I would give my life for any one of them.
Every year during the holiday season I hope to spend time with (blood) family. Lately that hasn't happened due to family circumstances, distance, broken relationships, etc. Every year I am disappointed and upset for not having the type of family that hangs out together, plays cards, goes for walks, talks openly and without resentment. This year I prayed for a different experience and I got it. I realized that my unhappiness had roots in unrealistic expectations of MY family, expectations that simply cannot be filled at this time or ever. This year, unlike others I was content to be surrounded by friends who are just like the family I have been obsessing about. I couldn't be more thankful for that gift. I am thankful to celebrate this special day with friends who are now family.
My relationship with myself
A few months ago I blogged about my chronic anxiety condition and overall sense of unhappiness. I am happy to report tremendous progress on both of those areas. I'm sure my gratitude journal has something to do with the latter but the former is simply a result of lots of prayer, meditation, and community support. I like the person who lives under my skin. I can't wait to see what she is capable of.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
On being me amidst being a mother
Lately I find it difficult to find time to write. I know this phrase may sound rather cliche (I am a mother afterall!). I've been working on my time management skills and overall I do pretty well. I don't overschedule our days and I allow for plenty of downtime. It's just that when I finally have an hour to do something personal I find myself unwinding by getting distracted with nonsense. Or simply checking up Facebook :)
I may have shared with a friend or two that I wasn't one of those women who instantly knew they wanted to be mothers. In fact, for years the thought of raising children made me cringe. Fortunately I married into a wonderful relationship and the pressure to have children lifted almost immediately. When the time was right we both decided that having children was definitely important to us, in fact, so much that our life would be severely impacted if we turned down this gift. So we embraced parenthood and all its challenges.
Being a stay at home mother was not something I had ever desired or even considered. Life takes sudden turns. Often decisions come to us influenced by extraneous factors. Seldom with negative consequences in my opinion (though at the time it may not seem that way). I am enjoying my new life state as the primary caretaker of our son. It doesn't come to me naturally and I have struggled with the transition. I feel inadequate more often than I'd like but what mother doesn't? What has helped is a strong support system I have found in my church and community and lots of prayers (and running miles!).
In a way this feels like a marathon challenge, something I never thought I could do but I'm so darn proud I'm doing. In the process I am discovering a new person within me, someone who is more patient, more loving, more resilient, and more capable of handling challenges than I had ever thought possible. I am also discovering life in a totally different way. Walks take a whole new meaning. Even mindless acts, such as grocery shopping have been elevated to a level of discovery I never thought possible. Seeing through the eyes of my son is suddenly refreshing beyond words. There is nowhere else I'd rather be at this moment.
Having said that, I know that deep within me is a person that yearns personal growth, beyond being a mother. There will come a time when my life situation changes I will nodoubtly seize the opportunity. The best gift I can give my son is that of wings, but I can't do this unless I've released my own. I want to soar and open the way for him to do the same. I have many dreams and aspirations and my eyes firmly set in HE who makes all things possible. In other words, I have the will and I know that HE will pave the way. In the meantime, I have some art wall cleaning to do. Thank God for magic erasers!
I may have shared with a friend or two that I wasn't one of those women who instantly knew they wanted to be mothers. In fact, for years the thought of raising children made me cringe. Fortunately I married into a wonderful relationship and the pressure to have children lifted almost immediately. When the time was right we both decided that having children was definitely important to us, in fact, so much that our life would be severely impacted if we turned down this gift. So we embraced parenthood and all its challenges.
Being a stay at home mother was not something I had ever desired or even considered. Life takes sudden turns. Often decisions come to us influenced by extraneous factors. Seldom with negative consequences in my opinion (though at the time it may not seem that way). I am enjoying my new life state as the primary caretaker of our son. It doesn't come to me naturally and I have struggled with the transition. I feel inadequate more often than I'd like but what mother doesn't? What has helped is a strong support system I have found in my church and community and lots of prayers (and running miles!).
In a way this feels like a marathon challenge, something I never thought I could do but I'm so darn proud I'm doing. In the process I am discovering a new person within me, someone who is more patient, more loving, more resilient, and more capable of handling challenges than I had ever thought possible. I am also discovering life in a totally different way. Walks take a whole new meaning. Even mindless acts, such as grocery shopping have been elevated to a level of discovery I never thought possible. Seeing through the eyes of my son is suddenly refreshing beyond words. There is nowhere else I'd rather be at this moment.
Having said that, I know that deep within me is a person that yearns personal growth, beyond being a mother. There will come a time when my life situation changes I will nodoubtly seize the opportunity. The best gift I can give my son is that of wings, but I can't do this unless I've released my own. I want to soar and open the way for him to do the same. I have many dreams and aspirations and my eyes firmly set in HE who makes all things possible. In other words, I have the will and I know that HE will pave the way. In the meantime, I have some art wall cleaning to do. Thank God for magic erasers!
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