Lately I find it difficult to find time to write. I know this phrase may sound rather cliche (I am a mother afterall!). I've been working on my time management skills and overall I do pretty well. I don't overschedule our days and I allow for plenty of downtime. It's just that when I finally have an hour to do something personal I find myself unwinding by getting distracted with nonsense. Or simply checking up Facebook :)
I may have shared with a friend or two that I wasn't one of those women who instantly knew they wanted to be mothers. In fact, for years the thought of raising children made me cringe. Fortunately I married into a wonderful relationship and the pressure to have children lifted almost immediately. When the time was right we both decided that having children was definitely important to us, in fact, so much that our life would be severely impacted if we turned down this gift. So we embraced parenthood and all its challenges.
Being a stay at home mother was not something I had ever desired or even considered. Life takes sudden turns. Often decisions come to us influenced by extraneous factors. Seldom with negative consequences in my opinion (though at the time it may not seem that way). I am enjoying my new life state as the primary caretaker of our son. It doesn't come to me naturally and I have struggled with the transition. I feel inadequate more often than I'd like but what mother doesn't? What has helped is a strong support system I have found in my church and community and lots of prayers (and running miles!).
In a way this feels like a marathon challenge, something I never thought I could do but I'm so darn proud I'm doing. In the process I am discovering a new person within me, someone who is more patient, more loving, more resilient, and more capable of handling challenges than I had ever thought possible. I am also discovering life in a totally different way. Walks take a whole new meaning. Even mindless acts, such as grocery shopping have been elevated to a level of discovery I never thought possible. Seeing through the eyes of my son is suddenly refreshing beyond words. There is nowhere else I'd rather be at this moment.
Having said that, I know that deep within me is a person that yearns personal growth, beyond being a mother. There will come a time when my life situation changes I will nodoubtly seize the opportunity. The best gift I can give my son is that of wings, but I can't do this unless I've released my own. I want to soar and open the way for him to do the same. I have many dreams and aspirations and my eyes firmly set in HE who makes all things possible. In other words, I have the will and I know that HE will pave the way. In the meantime, I have some art wall cleaning to do. Thank God for magic erasers!
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