A few years back I would be dreading this day, and the days following it. As a matter of fact, I often fantasized about being able to skip over the holidays. Not anymore. Thankfully.
Earlier today I was thinking about an entry for my gratitude journal. I kept asking myself: "what am I thankful for?" A million things came to mind: family, friends, our house, our neighborhood, etc. And while I'm thankful for all these things every day, today I am especially thankful for something else I had not taken notice of. I am thankful for my changed relationship with myself, with my family, and with food. First things first. Let's talk about food.
My relationship with food
I once had a dysfunctional relationship with food. A what? Yes, a sort of love/hate relationship with it. It was overwhelming, paralyzing, terrifying, and so it occupied much of my waking hours. I obsessed about every morsel that went into my mouth and about the calories I could avoid. Holidays were a particularly difficult time due to the overabundance of rich foods. A self-proclaimed health nut I counted calories more frequently than I took breaths during the day. What a sad story that was. Today it finally hit me that I was looking forward to this day and food was a secondary thought. My relationship with food has evolved to a level of nutrition and energy supply. I still love food but I don't hate myself when I eat. That is something I am truly grateful for.
My relationship with family
If I could have one wish granted this day it would be for my (blood) family to be together at least once again before we lose another family member. Sadly this wish may not be granted. I miss my gang more than words can express. Yes we are a crazy bunch and being together brings the best and worst in all of us, but we are still brothers and sisters and I would give my life for any one of them.
Every year during the holiday season I hope to spend time with (blood) family. Lately that hasn't happened due to family circumstances, distance, broken relationships, etc. Every year I am disappointed and upset for not having the type of family that hangs out together, plays cards, goes for walks, talks openly and without resentment. This year I prayed for a different experience and I got it. I realized that my unhappiness had roots in unrealistic expectations of MY family, expectations that simply cannot be filled at this time or ever. This year, unlike others I was content to be surrounded by friends who are just like the family I have been obsessing about. I couldn't be more thankful for that gift. I am thankful to celebrate this special day with friends who are now family.
My relationship with myself
A few months ago I blogged about my chronic anxiety condition and overall sense of unhappiness. I am happy to report tremendous progress on both of those areas. I'm sure my gratitude journal has something to do with the latter but the former is simply a result of lots of prayer, meditation, and community support. I like the person who lives under my skin. I can't wait to see what she is capable of.
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