Lots of changes are happening as we speak. For starters my belly decided to "pop out" in grand style. Yes, it's big and on its way to huge. I'm feeling much better on the emotional realm and my energy is coming back slowly. I still struggle with nausea at the end of the day and some food aversions, mostly to sugary stuff. I've done a few gender prediction tests (3 to be specific), all with different results. The Chinese GPT says girl, another said boy, and the third said inconclusive. I even did the baking soda test (caution: talk of bodily fluids to follow). Yes, I urinated in a cup with baking soda. This is all ridiculous I know. In just a few weeks I will know for sure but there is excitement in the guessing game.
On a different note, I decided to run the Nike's Women 1/2 marathon, just for fun and to get me some motivation to work out. I've read a lot about training while pregnant and was comforted knowing that not only is it perfectly safe, but it's actually good for both mom and baby. So, I'm determined to keep the training going as long as there is no pain to be felt or blood to be seen. So far I've increased my weekly runs to 6 miles 3x a week plus a long weekend run. I'm up to 9 miles and hope to get to 13 by early October. I've been feeling good so far and hope to keep up the momentum.
As in my last pregnancy, I'm not worrying about weight gain but I am also not gorging in junk or pints of ice cream. I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy and have an "easy" delivery, and most importantly a healthy baby. I know that I'm going to get big, I'm not one of those women who are all belly. Part of me wishes I was but I wouldn't trade that desire for the perfectly normal (and comfortable) pregnancy I had and intend to have again. I appreciate your continued prayers and support.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Anxious no more
For a person that's been suffering from anxiety for years this should come as great news right? Well, it isn't. Turns out anxiety is for most of us a mask, a cover-up for some deep-rooted unresolved emotions we choose to bury for fear of losing control of ourselves. If you suffer from anxiety chances are there is some sadness or anger underneath the fear that overwhelms you. Come to think of it, as much as I disliked being anxious, there are times when I wish I wasn't experiencing the newly uncovered emotions. Being anxious was, perhaps easier to deal with.
Anxiety is in my opinion a "good girl" syndrome. Good girls seek to please, parents mostly, but also society in general. They don't want to seem overly brash, and of course they don't want to appear out of control, so they hide their real feelings, and then end up with latent anger building up inside which causes them to fear irrationally, a condition known as anxiety. But it's not always the case of course. There are times when unfortunate events happen to these good girls that just compound the issue even more. Good girls don't typically yell back or seek revenge. Even when fate seems less than favorable they accept it as God's will or destiny's choice. Good girls try to see the positive in everything, even when deep in their hearts they know they deserve better.
I've been experiencing a lot of sadness the last few weeks. But that's not all; I've also been feeling very angry. I know what you may be thinking; I thought the same thing: It's because I'm pregnant. No. It's beyond that I'm sure. I've been having to deal with past issues that I thought were long resolved or forgotten. Things I thought had no effect on me suddenly came back to bite me. I've never been an angry person and lately that seems to be my default mood. Perhaps it's a good thing that I'm dealing with this now, but I need all the help I can get. There are still many unresolved issues in my life that I simply have no control over and I need to be able to accept them and continue to live my life. At this point I pray that I'm able to do that, for my children.
Can I ask for a prayer? Thanks.
Anxiety is in my opinion a "good girl" syndrome. Good girls seek to please, parents mostly, but also society in general. They don't want to seem overly brash, and of course they don't want to appear out of control, so they hide their real feelings, and then end up with latent anger building up inside which causes them to fear irrationally, a condition known as anxiety. But it's not always the case of course. There are times when unfortunate events happen to these good girls that just compound the issue even more. Good girls don't typically yell back or seek revenge. Even when fate seems less than favorable they accept it as God's will or destiny's choice. Good girls try to see the positive in everything, even when deep in their hearts they know they deserve better.
I've been experiencing a lot of sadness the last few weeks. But that's not all; I've also been feeling very angry. I know what you may be thinking; I thought the same thing: It's because I'm pregnant. No. It's beyond that I'm sure. I've been having to deal with past issues that I thought were long resolved or forgotten. Things I thought had no effect on me suddenly came back to bite me. I've never been an angry person and lately that seems to be my default mood. Perhaps it's a good thing that I'm dealing with this now, but I need all the help I can get. There are still many unresolved issues in my life that I simply have no control over and I need to be able to accept them and continue to live my life. At this point I pray that I'm able to do that, for my children.
Can I ask for a prayer? Thanks.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Up and down
I had a great phone conversation with a good friend today. This is a miracle because I am not a phone person. I am blessed with great friends who know me better than I know myself and have the ability to bring me up when I'm feeling down. I guess I should explain the reason for the call. I've been feeling disillusioned with today's youth, in particular teenagers with a tremendous sense of entitlement, a complete disregard for rules and lack of respect for their parents, and what's worst, a non-existent sense of self. I won't get too much into the gory details but there is one little person in particular that has ruffled my feathers and made me question many things about parenthood (Hint: a premature and permanent form of birth control).
I'm thankful for good friends, and I'm thankful for hope. A parent can only hope that his children will follow in his/her good steps but nothing is guaranteed. I commit to loving my children and teaching them about God, to always protect them but also give them wings. I fear yes, but I will not let that fear overshadow my faith in the goodness of human kind. And if my child turns wicked, I pray that I have the strength and the wisdom to deal with that challenge as well.
On the up side, we are expecting another baby. We are of course thrilled to complete our family of four and secretly I am hoping for a baby brother for Isaac. We won't know the gender for another 6 weeks but of course I will be happy either way. A baby girl would probably be Dave's choice although he would never admit it. Pray for us please. Will keep you updated as the pregnancy progresses.
I'm thankful for good friends, and I'm thankful for hope. A parent can only hope that his children will follow in his/her good steps but nothing is guaranteed. I commit to loving my children and teaching them about God, to always protect them but also give them wings. I fear yes, but I will not let that fear overshadow my faith in the goodness of human kind. And if my child turns wicked, I pray that I have the strength and the wisdom to deal with that challenge as well.
On the up side, we are expecting another baby. We are of course thrilled to complete our family of four and secretly I am hoping for a baby brother for Isaac. We won't know the gender for another 6 weeks but of course I will be happy either way. A baby girl would probably be Dave's choice although he would never admit it. Pray for us please. Will keep you updated as the pregnancy progresses.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
What drives me
Was at the supermarket, a quick stop to pick up some milk. I pass the produce section, some fruit sounds good, it's so hot outside! I come upon some big, round, plump, and delicious smelling nectarines for a mere $.99 a lb. What a deal! And then I remember my dirty five [never buy conventional Strawberries, Peaches, Lettuce, Bell Peppers or Potatoes as they have the highest pesticide residue, even after washing] Against my will I turn against these nectarines that keep calling me. I head directly into the organic section of the produce aisle and what do I find? Peaches! At the low $3.99 a lb these peaches look dull, not fresh, and unfortunately not even a hint of smell that can be detected. I leave the supermarket confused and upset. At times like these I feel that health is a privilege and not a right in this country. As consumers we are left to fend for ourselves and go against what is natural. Why wouldn't I buy those fresh nectarines when they are at the peak of their season. Because my health and the health of my family is worth it. Food justice is what this is called and I'm called to do something about it. Big Ag Corporations receiving subsidies and kick-backs can afford to sell toxic nectarines for $.99 lb and why wouldn't people buy them? Why didn't I buy them? Because I know better and my job is to inform others who don't.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
The life of an addict
In light of today's events I am inspired to write about addictions, not from an expert's point of view, but merely from a humble sufferer who has seen first hand what they can do to destroy people's lives.
There are more addicted people in my family than chose to admit it. I lost my father to alcoholism. In reality he took his own life but this was the effect of years of abuse that left him empty, lonely, and physically ill. He simply couldn't bear living life in this manner. There have been more tragic moments in my life than I can recall, most due to some form of addiction. But addictions aren't just to substances; people can be addicted to cleanliness, to perfection, to exercise, to pessimism, to arguing. But it is the former that really pull individuals out of their senses and take over their lives, ravaging along those closest to them.
I am a person of many addictions and I'm sure my past has something to do with this. I am troubled but I've been very fortunate to find help and continue to grow despite my many challenges. This said, I have a very soft spot for individuals who find themselves in the mist of an addiction with no help in sight. To the outsider it is just so easy: Just don't do it! In a sense you are telling a symptomatic plant to stop pretending and just grow. It's a choice right? NO. Before there was the plant there was a seedling, before the seedling the soil with its unique composition, nutrient content, and physical structure, before the soil the compost and a good filtration system that allows for water and nutrient cycling, etc. You get my point. If a 6 year old child is troubled there is already at least that many years of damage that need consideration. If a 27 year old is troubled, do the math.
We are a product of genetics and our environments. Blessed are those born in good solid homes who have suffered no major traumas. For the rest of us, our fate dictates constant tightening of the screws. I've already mentioned at least 2 major life changing events in my life. Another is that I suffered from an eating disorder that almost killed me. I was chronically depressed for years and could have taken my life. Perhaps the reason I didn't was because as a Catholic I believe that my life is not mine. Also because I had a crew of angels watching over me. There is a period of about 6 years of my life of complete darkness. I praise the day that help came in the form of a clinical trial that allowed me to get mood-stabilizing medication and regular counseling visits. This was the stepping stone toward recovery. I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if it hadn't been for that.
It is true that not all individuals have what it takes to get up on their own. I know I don't. So I pray for those who find themselves in these difficult situations. Someone close to my heart finds herself in a lot of trouble. She is young, talented, beautiful and empty. Sounds familiar? Please pray for all those suffering from addictions. Judging is easy, helping those in need is not.
There are more addicted people in my family than chose to admit it. I lost my father to alcoholism. In reality he took his own life but this was the effect of years of abuse that left him empty, lonely, and physically ill. He simply couldn't bear living life in this manner. There have been more tragic moments in my life than I can recall, most due to some form of addiction. But addictions aren't just to substances; people can be addicted to cleanliness, to perfection, to exercise, to pessimism, to arguing. But it is the former that really pull individuals out of their senses and take over their lives, ravaging along those closest to them.
I am a person of many addictions and I'm sure my past has something to do with this. I am troubled but I've been very fortunate to find help and continue to grow despite my many challenges. This said, I have a very soft spot for individuals who find themselves in the mist of an addiction with no help in sight. To the outsider it is just so easy: Just don't do it! In a sense you are telling a symptomatic plant to stop pretending and just grow. It's a choice right? NO. Before there was the plant there was a seedling, before the seedling the soil with its unique composition, nutrient content, and physical structure, before the soil the compost and a good filtration system that allows for water and nutrient cycling, etc. You get my point. If a 6 year old child is troubled there is already at least that many years of damage that need consideration. If a 27 year old is troubled, do the math.
We are a product of genetics and our environments. Blessed are those born in good solid homes who have suffered no major traumas. For the rest of us, our fate dictates constant tightening of the screws. I've already mentioned at least 2 major life changing events in my life. Another is that I suffered from an eating disorder that almost killed me. I was chronically depressed for years and could have taken my life. Perhaps the reason I didn't was because as a Catholic I believe that my life is not mine. Also because I had a crew of angels watching over me. There is a period of about 6 years of my life of complete darkness. I praise the day that help came in the form of a clinical trial that allowed me to get mood-stabilizing medication and regular counseling visits. This was the stepping stone toward recovery. I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if it hadn't been for that.
It is true that not all individuals have what it takes to get up on their own. I know I don't. So I pray for those who find themselves in these difficult situations. Someone close to my heart finds herself in a lot of trouble. She is young, talented, beautiful and empty. Sounds familiar? Please pray for all those suffering from addictions. Judging is easy, helping those in need is not.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
My journey with trust
I have a pretty good sense for people. I consider this a gift because it enables me to get right past the fronts that some individuals feel so compelled to put up. It also enables me to sympathize with those who are merely socially awkward like I sometimes can be. Most importantly this gift has allowed me to rebuild my sense of trust for human kind. Allow me to elaborate. [Note, this posting is not for the faint of heart]
When I was 6 years old and again when I was 8 I was sexually molested by a priest, and by someone in my family. For years I was unable to trust myself or others. I feared everyone and everything. Worst of all I held it all inside. There was no one to tell. No one who could do anything about it so I lived with this nightmare until I was old enough to seek out help. Fortunately for me I found healing through strengthening my spiritual life and humbling myself to God. I can say I have been able to have a fairly normal life ever since.
I have been challenged with the accusation that I have trust issues, and perhaps I still do. My answer is that I've got a lot at stake. I am now a mother and will fight like a Tiger to protect my cubs. When I meet someone I can almost immediately pick up their intentions, thoughts, and/or goals. Call this a 6th sense? Maybe just my overly tuned-in instincts. I have people in my life whom I met years ago, whom I trust, and whom I know will remain in my life for ever. Others I can say with almost clear certainty will not stay around for long. So I guess I must have selective trust issues then.
I've got to thinking about this trust thing. I find myself in a situation I hadn't been in for years. I began to fear, not for myself but for my son. With this fear comes distrust. I know what people are capable of and I will not be blind to any of it. Most recently I have set some very clear boundaries with toxic people in my life, people whom from the beginning I knew were not true to themselves or others, and especially not to me. I pray that I made the right decision because it has been a very painful one for our family.
When I was 6 years old and again when I was 8 I was sexually molested by a priest, and by someone in my family. For years I was unable to trust myself or others. I feared everyone and everything. Worst of all I held it all inside. There was no one to tell. No one who could do anything about it so I lived with this nightmare until I was old enough to seek out help. Fortunately for me I found healing through strengthening my spiritual life and humbling myself to God. I can say I have been able to have a fairly normal life ever since.
I have been challenged with the accusation that I have trust issues, and perhaps I still do. My answer is that I've got a lot at stake. I am now a mother and will fight like a Tiger to protect my cubs. When I meet someone I can almost immediately pick up their intentions, thoughts, and/or goals. Call this a 6th sense? Maybe just my overly tuned-in instincts. I have people in my life whom I met years ago, whom I trust, and whom I know will remain in my life for ever. Others I can say with almost clear certainty will not stay around for long. So I guess I must have selective trust issues then.
I've got to thinking about this trust thing. I find myself in a situation I hadn't been in for years. I began to fear, not for myself but for my son. With this fear comes distrust. I know what people are capable of and I will not be blind to any of it. Most recently I have set some very clear boundaries with toxic people in my life, people whom from the beginning I knew were not true to themselves or others, and especially not to me. I pray that I made the right decision because it has been a very painful one for our family.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
A child is born
My baby boy turns 2 today! Time is passing by too quickly. As I reflect on his birth and the changes he has brought into my life, I can't help to wonder what my little boy will aspire to be as an adult. He's an interesting combination of 2 very different people. Me, a middle child, rebellious, independent, detrimentally autonomous, somewhat impulsive and a survivor. Dave, a first born, only child, also independent, very analytical, somewhat stubborn and rigid at times, and also a survivor.
What do I mean by a survivor? A survivor is someone who willingly or unwillingly has gone through much change, pain or trauma, and difficulty in life, and manages to find his/her way out and up; someone who isn't afraid of challenges and who faces life face forward. A survivor is also someone who can stand to lose everything, start from scratch, and find the resources he/she needs to be successful. Dave and I are a strange combination, at times opposites, but fundamentally similar. As parents, we have tremendous influence on our children, directly and indirectly. So that brings me back to the theme of my note today.
Isaac possesses somewhat of a split personality. On the one hand he is willful, stubborn, independent, and very autonomous. On the other he is a sensitive, loving, and overly cautious child. He is a risk taker yet he understands danger. He loves structure, yet hates confinement. He is independent, yet he always makes sure we are around to watch his step. He has such a tender spot for animals that secretly I hope he becomes a wildlife Biologist. At times I just sit back and observe him and I am overwhelmed by his ability to translate the information around him into a language that makes sense to him. I am in awe by this creation. I can't take any of the credit, I just feel blessed to be a witness to this life being formed and I will do everything in my power to help my son succeed.
What do I mean by a survivor? A survivor is someone who willingly or unwillingly has gone through much change, pain or trauma, and difficulty in life, and manages to find his/her way out and up; someone who isn't afraid of challenges and who faces life face forward. A survivor is also someone who can stand to lose everything, start from scratch, and find the resources he/she needs to be successful. Dave and I are a strange combination, at times opposites, but fundamentally similar. As parents, we have tremendous influence on our children, directly and indirectly. So that brings me back to the theme of my note today.
Isaac possesses somewhat of a split personality. On the one hand he is willful, stubborn, independent, and very autonomous. On the other he is a sensitive, loving, and overly cautious child. He is a risk taker yet he understands danger. He loves structure, yet hates confinement. He is independent, yet he always makes sure we are around to watch his step. He has such a tender spot for animals that secretly I hope he becomes a wildlife Biologist. At times I just sit back and observe him and I am overwhelmed by his ability to translate the information around him into a language that makes sense to him. I am in awe by this creation. I can't take any of the credit, I just feel blessed to be a witness to this life being formed and I will do everything in my power to help my son succeed.
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