A few years back I had an issue with electrolyte imbalances in my body. I was told by my doctor that I was drinking too much water, and thus, diluting my essential electrolytes. During that time I was also instructed not to run until my body recovered fully (I had had a couple of episodes of fainting so my doctor wanted to prevent any potential accidents). I remember how furious I was by the diagnosis. At the time I used to take daily runs during my lunch hour at work, doing so gave me sanity. I could not imagine coping with my stressful job without my runs. I was devastated.
I began walking instead of running, not without much resentment of course, but I just didn't get the same benefit. Running is one of two activities I do where I'm actually able to shut the demons in my head. Yes, I can get some alone time with... moi! My brain runs 24/7 and I can't get it to stop, but running does. Running also releases unwanted tension in my body and endorphins that keep my mood up for the rest of the day. Running also allows me to check in with my body. When I run I can tell if I've been eating and resting enough and I can also identify areas of my body where I may have a dysfunction. I identify myself as a runner and I pray that I can continue to run for years to come.
I've been recently diagnosed with gestational diabetes. To be frank I was shocked by the diagnosis; I was certain I would pass the glucose tolerance test with flying colors because I tend towards hypoglycemia. When I got the news I was in denial. It couldn't be me. I probed the doctor trying to figure out how the diagnosis is done, hoping to get her to say, "Oh, I'm sure it was a mistake." No it wasn't. My fasting blood sugar was 4 points above the threshold and that puts me in the "at risk" category for developing diabetes post-partum with a 50% probability. As if this wasn't bad enough, my baby faces the same fate. I of course frieked out. How could this be? I watch my diet closely, I exercise, I take good care of myself. Impossible. And then I looked at other factors: genetics, family history, ethnicity all of which played against me. It took me almost two weeks to finally come to terms with the fact that I have not failed my baby. There is nothing I could have done to prevent this situation, but there is plenty I can do to avoid further damage.
I had a two hour consultation with a dietitian in which she reviewed every detail of my daily hours: eating, sleeping, and exercise patterns, family history, pregnancy history, etc. I was showered with information about my condition and sent home with a glucose monitor and a carbohydrate fixed diet to follow. I'm a disciplined individual and I know enough about food and nutrition to follow the diet without a problem. I also don't mind poking my finger 4 times a day to check my blood sugar. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't uncomfortable with the thought of not being able to run anymore, and of course there is the "change" factor. I resist change. I am a creature of habit. For as much change as I've had in my life I should be a lot more flexible but I'm not. I must think beyond the present and focus on the benefits of this change. I'm actually quite resilient to change and I adapt a lot easier than most folks I know but it's still a difficult pill to swallow.
First things first. I will not compromise my baby's health or mine for my stubbornness. I promise to do all in my power to assure a healthy delivery and prevent future complications to his child. I vow to take this challenge one day at a time and I ask for your support and prayers.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
A day to be thankful
A few years back I would be dreading this day, and the days following it. As a matter of fact, I often fantasized about being able to skip over the holidays. Not anymore. Thankfully.
Earlier today I was thinking about an entry for my gratitude journal. I kept asking myself: "what am I thankful for?" A million things came to mind: family, friends, our house, our neighborhood, etc. And while I'm thankful for all these things every day, today I am especially thankful for something else I had not taken notice of. I am thankful for my changed relationship with myself, with my family, and with food. First things first. Let's talk about food.
My relationship with food
I once had a dysfunctional relationship with food. A what? Yes, a sort of love/hate relationship with it. It was overwhelming, paralyzing, terrifying, and so it occupied much of my waking hours. I obsessed about every morsel that went into my mouth and about the calories I could avoid. Holidays were a particularly difficult time due to the overabundance of rich foods. A self-proclaimed health nut I counted calories more frequently than I took breaths during the day. What a sad story that was. Today it finally hit me that I was looking forward to this day and food was a secondary thought. My relationship with food has evolved to a level of nutrition and energy supply. I still love food but I don't hate myself when I eat. That is something I am truly grateful for.
My relationship with family
If I could have one wish granted this day it would be for my (blood) family to be together at least once again before we lose another family member. Sadly this wish may not be granted. I miss my gang more than words can express. Yes we are a crazy bunch and being together brings the best and worst in all of us, but we are still brothers and sisters and I would give my life for any one of them.
Every year during the holiday season I hope to spend time with (blood) family. Lately that hasn't happened due to family circumstances, distance, broken relationships, etc. Every year I am disappointed and upset for not having the type of family that hangs out together, plays cards, goes for walks, talks openly and without resentment. This year I prayed for a different experience and I got it. I realized that my unhappiness had roots in unrealistic expectations of MY family, expectations that simply cannot be filled at this time or ever. This year, unlike others I was content to be surrounded by friends who are just like the family I have been obsessing about. I couldn't be more thankful for that gift. I am thankful to celebrate this special day with friends who are now family.
My relationship with myself
A few months ago I blogged about my chronic anxiety condition and overall sense of unhappiness. I am happy to report tremendous progress on both of those areas. I'm sure my gratitude journal has something to do with the latter but the former is simply a result of lots of prayer, meditation, and community support. I like the person who lives under my skin. I can't wait to see what she is capable of.
Earlier today I was thinking about an entry for my gratitude journal. I kept asking myself: "what am I thankful for?" A million things came to mind: family, friends, our house, our neighborhood, etc. And while I'm thankful for all these things every day, today I am especially thankful for something else I had not taken notice of. I am thankful for my changed relationship with myself, with my family, and with food. First things first. Let's talk about food.
My relationship with food
I once had a dysfunctional relationship with food. A what? Yes, a sort of love/hate relationship with it. It was overwhelming, paralyzing, terrifying, and so it occupied much of my waking hours. I obsessed about every morsel that went into my mouth and about the calories I could avoid. Holidays were a particularly difficult time due to the overabundance of rich foods. A self-proclaimed health nut I counted calories more frequently than I took breaths during the day. What a sad story that was. Today it finally hit me that I was looking forward to this day and food was a secondary thought. My relationship with food has evolved to a level of nutrition and energy supply. I still love food but I don't hate myself when I eat. That is something I am truly grateful for.
My relationship with family
If I could have one wish granted this day it would be for my (blood) family to be together at least once again before we lose another family member. Sadly this wish may not be granted. I miss my gang more than words can express. Yes we are a crazy bunch and being together brings the best and worst in all of us, but we are still brothers and sisters and I would give my life for any one of them.
Every year during the holiday season I hope to spend time with (blood) family. Lately that hasn't happened due to family circumstances, distance, broken relationships, etc. Every year I am disappointed and upset for not having the type of family that hangs out together, plays cards, goes for walks, talks openly and without resentment. This year I prayed for a different experience and I got it. I realized that my unhappiness had roots in unrealistic expectations of MY family, expectations that simply cannot be filled at this time or ever. This year, unlike others I was content to be surrounded by friends who are just like the family I have been obsessing about. I couldn't be more thankful for that gift. I am thankful to celebrate this special day with friends who are now family.
My relationship with myself
A few months ago I blogged about my chronic anxiety condition and overall sense of unhappiness. I am happy to report tremendous progress on both of those areas. I'm sure my gratitude journal has something to do with the latter but the former is simply a result of lots of prayer, meditation, and community support. I like the person who lives under my skin. I can't wait to see what she is capable of.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
On being me amidst being a mother
Lately I find it difficult to find time to write. I know this phrase may sound rather cliche (I am a mother afterall!). I've been working on my time management skills and overall I do pretty well. I don't overschedule our days and I allow for plenty of downtime. It's just that when I finally have an hour to do something personal I find myself unwinding by getting distracted with nonsense. Or simply checking up Facebook :)
I may have shared with a friend or two that I wasn't one of those women who instantly knew they wanted to be mothers. In fact, for years the thought of raising children made me cringe. Fortunately I married into a wonderful relationship and the pressure to have children lifted almost immediately. When the time was right we both decided that having children was definitely important to us, in fact, so much that our life would be severely impacted if we turned down this gift. So we embraced parenthood and all its challenges.
Being a stay at home mother was not something I had ever desired or even considered. Life takes sudden turns. Often decisions come to us influenced by extraneous factors. Seldom with negative consequences in my opinion (though at the time it may not seem that way). I am enjoying my new life state as the primary caretaker of our son. It doesn't come to me naturally and I have struggled with the transition. I feel inadequate more often than I'd like but what mother doesn't? What has helped is a strong support system I have found in my church and community and lots of prayers (and running miles!).
In a way this feels like a marathon challenge, something I never thought I could do but I'm so darn proud I'm doing. In the process I am discovering a new person within me, someone who is more patient, more loving, more resilient, and more capable of handling challenges than I had ever thought possible. I am also discovering life in a totally different way. Walks take a whole new meaning. Even mindless acts, such as grocery shopping have been elevated to a level of discovery I never thought possible. Seeing through the eyes of my son is suddenly refreshing beyond words. There is nowhere else I'd rather be at this moment.
Having said that, I know that deep within me is a person that yearns personal growth, beyond being a mother. There will come a time when my life situation changes I will nodoubtly seize the opportunity. The best gift I can give my son is that of wings, but I can't do this unless I've released my own. I want to soar and open the way for him to do the same. I have many dreams and aspirations and my eyes firmly set in HE who makes all things possible. In other words, I have the will and I know that HE will pave the way. In the meantime, I have some art wall cleaning to do. Thank God for magic erasers!
I may have shared with a friend or two that I wasn't one of those women who instantly knew they wanted to be mothers. In fact, for years the thought of raising children made me cringe. Fortunately I married into a wonderful relationship and the pressure to have children lifted almost immediately. When the time was right we both decided that having children was definitely important to us, in fact, so much that our life would be severely impacted if we turned down this gift. So we embraced parenthood and all its challenges.
Being a stay at home mother was not something I had ever desired or even considered. Life takes sudden turns. Often decisions come to us influenced by extraneous factors. Seldom with negative consequences in my opinion (though at the time it may not seem that way). I am enjoying my new life state as the primary caretaker of our son. It doesn't come to me naturally and I have struggled with the transition. I feel inadequate more often than I'd like but what mother doesn't? What has helped is a strong support system I have found in my church and community and lots of prayers (and running miles!).
In a way this feels like a marathon challenge, something I never thought I could do but I'm so darn proud I'm doing. In the process I am discovering a new person within me, someone who is more patient, more loving, more resilient, and more capable of handling challenges than I had ever thought possible. I am also discovering life in a totally different way. Walks take a whole new meaning. Even mindless acts, such as grocery shopping have been elevated to a level of discovery I never thought possible. Seeing through the eyes of my son is suddenly refreshing beyond words. There is nowhere else I'd rather be at this moment.
Having said that, I know that deep within me is a person that yearns personal growth, beyond being a mother. There will come a time when my life situation changes I will nodoubtly seize the opportunity. The best gift I can give my son is that of wings, but I can't do this unless I've released my own. I want to soar and open the way for him to do the same. I have many dreams and aspirations and my eyes firmly set in HE who makes all things possible. In other words, I have the will and I know that HE will pave the way. In the meantime, I have some art wall cleaning to do. Thank God for magic erasers!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Growing, growing, and growing
It's been over a month since my last pregnancy post so I thought I would write an update.
What is happening in the belly?
Lots of movement this week with a few soccer style kicks. I've also had what I consider an excessive amount of braxton hicks the last couple of days (~1 every 30 minutes or so). I'm not sure what this means but just to be on the safe side I'm going to take it a little slower this week.
Aches and pains?
Other than a minor sciatica discomfort on my right leg I'm basically pain free thus far. After my long runs my hips get very tight but I'm typically back to normal within a day. I'm also able to sleep very comfortably now, no more restless legs thank God!
Exercise keeps me pain free
As previously announced I ran the Nike's Womens 1/2 marathon last Sunday and I did better than expected. I wasn't running for time but I still kept under 2 hours and 20 minutes which took me by surprise because I took it especially slow to make sure I didn't burn out too early. It was such an amazing course that I completely lost track of time and distance. I took in the beauty of the scenery and relished every mile. By the end of the race I was so elated I wanted to keep running.
This week I scaled back my running from 26 miles to 18 miles and added a 12 mile bike ride. I'm still weight lifting 2x a week and doing yoga/pilates once a week. I'm hoping to add in some hikes to my exercise regime in the coming weeks. I find the pilates classes especially helpful with hip discomfort.
How big is the baby and how big am I?
The baby is about 20oz according to the doctor and measuring about 12 inches, the size of a spaguetti squash. It seems so small compared to how I look. The funny thing is that I really don't feel big. There are days when I forget that I'm pregnant, for the most part I'm still very agile and flexible, but then I look at my image in the mirror and I get a different story. My arms and legs are relatively small but my middle area is round baby! I'm estimating that my chest area alone is adding an extra 6lbs to my weight. And of course my ever growing belly is gaining more and more volume. In total I've gained 14lbs so far.
Other symptoms or unusual changes?
I've been feeling very impatient and somewhat short tempered. There are days when I remember being a teenager and feeling the same way. It must be the surge of hormones flowing through my body. I don't particularly like feeling this way since I've always been pretty mild tempered, even through my last pregnancy. I find that rest helps a lot so I've made my afternoon naps a mandatory coping mechanism.
I have recurring episodes of low blood pressure. This morning it was so bad I could barely stand in church. Half way through the mass I had to leave the choir area to sit down for a while. I felt faint and very short of breath. Neither rest nor food made me feel better. I noticed significant relief after I drank a diet cola which I don't typically like to do. I may instead drink a small cup of coffee next time I find myself feeling this way.
My aversion for sweets is almost non-existent. I've enjoyed a few treats in the last few weeks. I don't have any particular cravings but I find that my body requires extra carbohydrates. I still can't stand the smell of sugar-free gum. It turns my stomach just thinking about it. I have also developed an aversion for anything with corn syrup. In general I find that my body rejects most artificial ingredients. Nature working at its best I suppose.
What I'm looking forward to
The next couple months are just going to fly. I'm so looking forward to the holidays I can't even stand it. Now that I'm singing in the choir, church festivities take on a whole other level of importance and I'm so glad to be a part of it. I'm also looking forward to celebrating with family and friends. Our holiday plans are still up in the air but wherever we end up I know that it will be very special.
VACATION!!! Yes! We have booked our 10th anniversary celebration in Hawaii. I'm beyond excited and thankful for this amazing gift. For years we have talked about visiting Hawaii. I've had dreams of hiking amidst lush greenery and doing lots of sunrise runs. I'll be just happy to walk on volcanic soil and look my son's face as he discovers a new species or digs up a shell from the sand. How blessed I feel to have this privilege.
All for now :)
What is happening in the belly?
Lots of movement this week with a few soccer style kicks. I've also had what I consider an excessive amount of braxton hicks the last couple of days (~1 every 30 minutes or so). I'm not sure what this means but just to be on the safe side I'm going to take it a little slower this week.
Aches and pains?
Other than a minor sciatica discomfort on my right leg I'm basically pain free thus far. After my long runs my hips get very tight but I'm typically back to normal within a day. I'm also able to sleep very comfortably now, no more restless legs thank God!
Exercise keeps me pain free
As previously announced I ran the Nike's Womens 1/2 marathon last Sunday and I did better than expected. I wasn't running for time but I still kept under 2 hours and 20 minutes which took me by surprise because I took it especially slow to make sure I didn't burn out too early. It was such an amazing course that I completely lost track of time and distance. I took in the beauty of the scenery and relished every mile. By the end of the race I was so elated I wanted to keep running.
This week I scaled back my running from 26 miles to 18 miles and added a 12 mile bike ride. I'm still weight lifting 2x a week and doing yoga/pilates once a week. I'm hoping to add in some hikes to my exercise regime in the coming weeks. I find the pilates classes especially helpful with hip discomfort.
How big is the baby and how big am I?
The baby is about 20oz according to the doctor and measuring about 12 inches, the size of a spaguetti squash. It seems so small compared to how I look. The funny thing is that I really don't feel big. There are days when I forget that I'm pregnant, for the most part I'm still very agile and flexible, but then I look at my image in the mirror and I get a different story. My arms and legs are relatively small but my middle area is round baby! I'm estimating that my chest area alone is adding an extra 6lbs to my weight. And of course my ever growing belly is gaining more and more volume. In total I've gained 14lbs so far.
Other symptoms or unusual changes?
I've been feeling very impatient and somewhat short tempered. There are days when I remember being a teenager and feeling the same way. It must be the surge of hormones flowing through my body. I don't particularly like feeling this way since I've always been pretty mild tempered, even through my last pregnancy. I find that rest helps a lot so I've made my afternoon naps a mandatory coping mechanism.
I have recurring episodes of low blood pressure. This morning it was so bad I could barely stand in church. Half way through the mass I had to leave the choir area to sit down for a while. I felt faint and very short of breath. Neither rest nor food made me feel better. I noticed significant relief after I drank a diet cola which I don't typically like to do. I may instead drink a small cup of coffee next time I find myself feeling this way.
My aversion for sweets is almost non-existent. I've enjoyed a few treats in the last few weeks. I don't have any particular cravings but I find that my body requires extra carbohydrates. I still can't stand the smell of sugar-free gum. It turns my stomach just thinking about it. I have also developed an aversion for anything with corn syrup. In general I find that my body rejects most artificial ingredients. Nature working at its best I suppose.
What I'm looking forward to
The next couple months are just going to fly. I'm so looking forward to the holidays I can't even stand it. Now that I'm singing in the choir, church festivities take on a whole other level of importance and I'm so glad to be a part of it. I'm also looking forward to celebrating with family and friends. Our holiday plans are still up in the air but wherever we end up I know that it will be very special.
VACATION!!! Yes! We have booked our 10th anniversary celebration in Hawaii. I'm beyond excited and thankful for this amazing gift. For years we have talked about visiting Hawaii. I've had dreams of hiking amidst lush greenery and doing lots of sunrise runs. I'll be just happy to walk on volcanic soil and look my son's face as he discovers a new species or digs up a shell from the sand. How blessed I feel to have this privilege.
All for now :)
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Pregnancy update
Lots of changes are happening as we speak. For starters my belly decided to "pop out" in grand style. Yes, it's big and on its way to huge. I'm feeling much better on the emotional realm and my energy is coming back slowly. I still struggle with nausea at the end of the day and some food aversions, mostly to sugary stuff. I've done a few gender prediction tests (3 to be specific), all with different results. The Chinese GPT says girl, another said boy, and the third said inconclusive. I even did the baking soda test (caution: talk of bodily fluids to follow). Yes, I urinated in a cup with baking soda. This is all ridiculous I know. In just a few weeks I will know for sure but there is excitement in the guessing game.
On a different note, I decided to run the Nike's Women 1/2 marathon, just for fun and to get me some motivation to work out. I've read a lot about training while pregnant and was comforted knowing that not only is it perfectly safe, but it's actually good for both mom and baby. So, I'm determined to keep the training going as long as there is no pain to be felt or blood to be seen. So far I've increased my weekly runs to 6 miles 3x a week plus a long weekend run. I'm up to 9 miles and hope to get to 13 by early October. I've been feeling good so far and hope to keep up the momentum.
As in my last pregnancy, I'm not worrying about weight gain but I am also not gorging in junk or pints of ice cream. I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy and have an "easy" delivery, and most importantly a healthy baby. I know that I'm going to get big, I'm not one of those women who are all belly. Part of me wishes I was but I wouldn't trade that desire for the perfectly normal (and comfortable) pregnancy I had and intend to have again. I appreciate your continued prayers and support.
On a different note, I decided to run the Nike's Women 1/2 marathon, just for fun and to get me some motivation to work out. I've read a lot about training while pregnant and was comforted knowing that not only is it perfectly safe, but it's actually good for both mom and baby. So, I'm determined to keep the training going as long as there is no pain to be felt or blood to be seen. So far I've increased my weekly runs to 6 miles 3x a week plus a long weekend run. I'm up to 9 miles and hope to get to 13 by early October. I've been feeling good so far and hope to keep up the momentum.
As in my last pregnancy, I'm not worrying about weight gain but I am also not gorging in junk or pints of ice cream. I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy and have an "easy" delivery, and most importantly a healthy baby. I know that I'm going to get big, I'm not one of those women who are all belly. Part of me wishes I was but I wouldn't trade that desire for the perfectly normal (and comfortable) pregnancy I had and intend to have again. I appreciate your continued prayers and support.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Anxious no more
For a person that's been suffering from anxiety for years this should come as great news right? Well, it isn't. Turns out anxiety is for most of us a mask, a cover-up for some deep-rooted unresolved emotions we choose to bury for fear of losing control of ourselves. If you suffer from anxiety chances are there is some sadness or anger underneath the fear that overwhelms you. Come to think of it, as much as I disliked being anxious, there are times when I wish I wasn't experiencing the newly uncovered emotions. Being anxious was, perhaps easier to deal with.
Anxiety is in my opinion a "good girl" syndrome. Good girls seek to please, parents mostly, but also society in general. They don't want to seem overly brash, and of course they don't want to appear out of control, so they hide their real feelings, and then end up with latent anger building up inside which causes them to fear irrationally, a condition known as anxiety. But it's not always the case of course. There are times when unfortunate events happen to these good girls that just compound the issue even more. Good girls don't typically yell back or seek revenge. Even when fate seems less than favorable they accept it as God's will or destiny's choice. Good girls try to see the positive in everything, even when deep in their hearts they know they deserve better.
I've been experiencing a lot of sadness the last few weeks. But that's not all; I've also been feeling very angry. I know what you may be thinking; I thought the same thing: It's because I'm pregnant. No. It's beyond that I'm sure. I've been having to deal with past issues that I thought were long resolved or forgotten. Things I thought had no effect on me suddenly came back to bite me. I've never been an angry person and lately that seems to be my default mood. Perhaps it's a good thing that I'm dealing with this now, but I need all the help I can get. There are still many unresolved issues in my life that I simply have no control over and I need to be able to accept them and continue to live my life. At this point I pray that I'm able to do that, for my children.
Can I ask for a prayer? Thanks.
Anxiety is in my opinion a "good girl" syndrome. Good girls seek to please, parents mostly, but also society in general. They don't want to seem overly brash, and of course they don't want to appear out of control, so they hide their real feelings, and then end up with latent anger building up inside which causes them to fear irrationally, a condition known as anxiety. But it's not always the case of course. There are times when unfortunate events happen to these good girls that just compound the issue even more. Good girls don't typically yell back or seek revenge. Even when fate seems less than favorable they accept it as God's will or destiny's choice. Good girls try to see the positive in everything, even when deep in their hearts they know they deserve better.
I've been experiencing a lot of sadness the last few weeks. But that's not all; I've also been feeling very angry. I know what you may be thinking; I thought the same thing: It's because I'm pregnant. No. It's beyond that I'm sure. I've been having to deal with past issues that I thought were long resolved or forgotten. Things I thought had no effect on me suddenly came back to bite me. I've never been an angry person and lately that seems to be my default mood. Perhaps it's a good thing that I'm dealing with this now, but I need all the help I can get. There are still many unresolved issues in my life that I simply have no control over and I need to be able to accept them and continue to live my life. At this point I pray that I'm able to do that, for my children.
Can I ask for a prayer? Thanks.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Up and down
I had a great phone conversation with a good friend today. This is a miracle because I am not a phone person. I am blessed with great friends who know me better than I know myself and have the ability to bring me up when I'm feeling down. I guess I should explain the reason for the call. I've been feeling disillusioned with today's youth, in particular teenagers with a tremendous sense of entitlement, a complete disregard for rules and lack of respect for their parents, and what's worst, a non-existent sense of self. I won't get too much into the gory details but there is one little person in particular that has ruffled my feathers and made me question many things about parenthood (Hint: a premature and permanent form of birth control).
I'm thankful for good friends, and I'm thankful for hope. A parent can only hope that his children will follow in his/her good steps but nothing is guaranteed. I commit to loving my children and teaching them about God, to always protect them but also give them wings. I fear yes, but I will not let that fear overshadow my faith in the goodness of human kind. And if my child turns wicked, I pray that I have the strength and the wisdom to deal with that challenge as well.
On the up side, we are expecting another baby. We are of course thrilled to complete our family of four and secretly I am hoping for a baby brother for Isaac. We won't know the gender for another 6 weeks but of course I will be happy either way. A baby girl would probably be Dave's choice although he would never admit it. Pray for us please. Will keep you updated as the pregnancy progresses.
I'm thankful for good friends, and I'm thankful for hope. A parent can only hope that his children will follow in his/her good steps but nothing is guaranteed. I commit to loving my children and teaching them about God, to always protect them but also give them wings. I fear yes, but I will not let that fear overshadow my faith in the goodness of human kind. And if my child turns wicked, I pray that I have the strength and the wisdom to deal with that challenge as well.
On the up side, we are expecting another baby. We are of course thrilled to complete our family of four and secretly I am hoping for a baby brother for Isaac. We won't know the gender for another 6 weeks but of course I will be happy either way. A baby girl would probably be Dave's choice although he would never admit it. Pray for us please. Will keep you updated as the pregnancy progresses.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
What drives me
Was at the supermarket, a quick stop to pick up some milk. I pass the produce section, some fruit sounds good, it's so hot outside! I come upon some big, round, plump, and delicious smelling nectarines for a mere $.99 a lb. What a deal! And then I remember my dirty five [never buy conventional Strawberries, Peaches, Lettuce, Bell Peppers or Potatoes as they have the highest pesticide residue, even after washing] Against my will I turn against these nectarines that keep calling me. I head directly into the organic section of the produce aisle and what do I find? Peaches! At the low $3.99 a lb these peaches look dull, not fresh, and unfortunately not even a hint of smell that can be detected. I leave the supermarket confused and upset. At times like these I feel that health is a privilege and not a right in this country. As consumers we are left to fend for ourselves and go against what is natural. Why wouldn't I buy those fresh nectarines when they are at the peak of their season. Because my health and the health of my family is worth it. Food justice is what this is called and I'm called to do something about it. Big Ag Corporations receiving subsidies and kick-backs can afford to sell toxic nectarines for $.99 lb and why wouldn't people buy them? Why didn't I buy them? Because I know better and my job is to inform others who don't.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
The life of an addict
In light of today's events I am inspired to write about addictions, not from an expert's point of view, but merely from a humble sufferer who has seen first hand what they can do to destroy people's lives.
There are more addicted people in my family than chose to admit it. I lost my father to alcoholism. In reality he took his own life but this was the effect of years of abuse that left him empty, lonely, and physically ill. He simply couldn't bear living life in this manner. There have been more tragic moments in my life than I can recall, most due to some form of addiction. But addictions aren't just to substances; people can be addicted to cleanliness, to perfection, to exercise, to pessimism, to arguing. But it is the former that really pull individuals out of their senses and take over their lives, ravaging along those closest to them.
I am a person of many addictions and I'm sure my past has something to do with this. I am troubled but I've been very fortunate to find help and continue to grow despite my many challenges. This said, I have a very soft spot for individuals who find themselves in the mist of an addiction with no help in sight. To the outsider it is just so easy: Just don't do it! In a sense you are telling a symptomatic plant to stop pretending and just grow. It's a choice right? NO. Before there was the plant there was a seedling, before the seedling the soil with its unique composition, nutrient content, and physical structure, before the soil the compost and a good filtration system that allows for water and nutrient cycling, etc. You get my point. If a 6 year old child is troubled there is already at least that many years of damage that need consideration. If a 27 year old is troubled, do the math.
We are a product of genetics and our environments. Blessed are those born in good solid homes who have suffered no major traumas. For the rest of us, our fate dictates constant tightening of the screws. I've already mentioned at least 2 major life changing events in my life. Another is that I suffered from an eating disorder that almost killed me. I was chronically depressed for years and could have taken my life. Perhaps the reason I didn't was because as a Catholic I believe that my life is not mine. Also because I had a crew of angels watching over me. There is a period of about 6 years of my life of complete darkness. I praise the day that help came in the form of a clinical trial that allowed me to get mood-stabilizing medication and regular counseling visits. This was the stepping stone toward recovery. I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if it hadn't been for that.
It is true that not all individuals have what it takes to get up on their own. I know I don't. So I pray for those who find themselves in these difficult situations. Someone close to my heart finds herself in a lot of trouble. She is young, talented, beautiful and empty. Sounds familiar? Please pray for all those suffering from addictions. Judging is easy, helping those in need is not.
There are more addicted people in my family than chose to admit it. I lost my father to alcoholism. In reality he took his own life but this was the effect of years of abuse that left him empty, lonely, and physically ill. He simply couldn't bear living life in this manner. There have been more tragic moments in my life than I can recall, most due to some form of addiction. But addictions aren't just to substances; people can be addicted to cleanliness, to perfection, to exercise, to pessimism, to arguing. But it is the former that really pull individuals out of their senses and take over their lives, ravaging along those closest to them.
I am a person of many addictions and I'm sure my past has something to do with this. I am troubled but I've been very fortunate to find help and continue to grow despite my many challenges. This said, I have a very soft spot for individuals who find themselves in the mist of an addiction with no help in sight. To the outsider it is just so easy: Just don't do it! In a sense you are telling a symptomatic plant to stop pretending and just grow. It's a choice right? NO. Before there was the plant there was a seedling, before the seedling the soil with its unique composition, nutrient content, and physical structure, before the soil the compost and a good filtration system that allows for water and nutrient cycling, etc. You get my point. If a 6 year old child is troubled there is already at least that many years of damage that need consideration. If a 27 year old is troubled, do the math.
We are a product of genetics and our environments. Blessed are those born in good solid homes who have suffered no major traumas. For the rest of us, our fate dictates constant tightening of the screws. I've already mentioned at least 2 major life changing events in my life. Another is that I suffered from an eating disorder that almost killed me. I was chronically depressed for years and could have taken my life. Perhaps the reason I didn't was because as a Catholic I believe that my life is not mine. Also because I had a crew of angels watching over me. There is a period of about 6 years of my life of complete darkness. I praise the day that help came in the form of a clinical trial that allowed me to get mood-stabilizing medication and regular counseling visits. This was the stepping stone toward recovery. I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if it hadn't been for that.
It is true that not all individuals have what it takes to get up on their own. I know I don't. So I pray for those who find themselves in these difficult situations. Someone close to my heart finds herself in a lot of trouble. She is young, talented, beautiful and empty. Sounds familiar? Please pray for all those suffering from addictions. Judging is easy, helping those in need is not.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
My journey with trust
I have a pretty good sense for people. I consider this a gift because it enables me to get right past the fronts that some individuals feel so compelled to put up. It also enables me to sympathize with those who are merely socially awkward like I sometimes can be. Most importantly this gift has allowed me to rebuild my sense of trust for human kind. Allow me to elaborate. [Note, this posting is not for the faint of heart]
When I was 6 years old and again when I was 8 I was sexually molested by a priest, and by someone in my family. For years I was unable to trust myself or others. I feared everyone and everything. Worst of all I held it all inside. There was no one to tell. No one who could do anything about it so I lived with this nightmare until I was old enough to seek out help. Fortunately for me I found healing through strengthening my spiritual life and humbling myself to God. I can say I have been able to have a fairly normal life ever since.
I have been challenged with the accusation that I have trust issues, and perhaps I still do. My answer is that I've got a lot at stake. I am now a mother and will fight like a Tiger to protect my cubs. When I meet someone I can almost immediately pick up their intentions, thoughts, and/or goals. Call this a 6th sense? Maybe just my overly tuned-in instincts. I have people in my life whom I met years ago, whom I trust, and whom I know will remain in my life for ever. Others I can say with almost clear certainty will not stay around for long. So I guess I must have selective trust issues then.
I've got to thinking about this trust thing. I find myself in a situation I hadn't been in for years. I began to fear, not for myself but for my son. With this fear comes distrust. I know what people are capable of and I will not be blind to any of it. Most recently I have set some very clear boundaries with toxic people in my life, people whom from the beginning I knew were not true to themselves or others, and especially not to me. I pray that I made the right decision because it has been a very painful one for our family.
When I was 6 years old and again when I was 8 I was sexually molested by a priest, and by someone in my family. For years I was unable to trust myself or others. I feared everyone and everything. Worst of all I held it all inside. There was no one to tell. No one who could do anything about it so I lived with this nightmare until I was old enough to seek out help. Fortunately for me I found healing through strengthening my spiritual life and humbling myself to God. I can say I have been able to have a fairly normal life ever since.
I have been challenged with the accusation that I have trust issues, and perhaps I still do. My answer is that I've got a lot at stake. I am now a mother and will fight like a Tiger to protect my cubs. When I meet someone I can almost immediately pick up their intentions, thoughts, and/or goals. Call this a 6th sense? Maybe just my overly tuned-in instincts. I have people in my life whom I met years ago, whom I trust, and whom I know will remain in my life for ever. Others I can say with almost clear certainty will not stay around for long. So I guess I must have selective trust issues then.
I've got to thinking about this trust thing. I find myself in a situation I hadn't been in for years. I began to fear, not for myself but for my son. With this fear comes distrust. I know what people are capable of and I will not be blind to any of it. Most recently I have set some very clear boundaries with toxic people in my life, people whom from the beginning I knew were not true to themselves or others, and especially not to me. I pray that I made the right decision because it has been a very painful one for our family.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
A child is born
My baby boy turns 2 today! Time is passing by too quickly. As I reflect on his birth and the changes he has brought into my life, I can't help to wonder what my little boy will aspire to be as an adult. He's an interesting combination of 2 very different people. Me, a middle child, rebellious, independent, detrimentally autonomous, somewhat impulsive and a survivor. Dave, a first born, only child, also independent, very analytical, somewhat stubborn and rigid at times, and also a survivor.
What do I mean by a survivor? A survivor is someone who willingly or unwillingly has gone through much change, pain or trauma, and difficulty in life, and manages to find his/her way out and up; someone who isn't afraid of challenges and who faces life face forward. A survivor is also someone who can stand to lose everything, start from scratch, and find the resources he/she needs to be successful. Dave and I are a strange combination, at times opposites, but fundamentally similar. As parents, we have tremendous influence on our children, directly and indirectly. So that brings me back to the theme of my note today.
Isaac possesses somewhat of a split personality. On the one hand he is willful, stubborn, independent, and very autonomous. On the other he is a sensitive, loving, and overly cautious child. He is a risk taker yet he understands danger. He loves structure, yet hates confinement. He is independent, yet he always makes sure we are around to watch his step. He has such a tender spot for animals that secretly I hope he becomes a wildlife Biologist. At times I just sit back and observe him and I am overwhelmed by his ability to translate the information around him into a language that makes sense to him. I am in awe by this creation. I can't take any of the credit, I just feel blessed to be a witness to this life being formed and I will do everything in my power to help my son succeed.
What do I mean by a survivor? A survivor is someone who willingly or unwillingly has gone through much change, pain or trauma, and difficulty in life, and manages to find his/her way out and up; someone who isn't afraid of challenges and who faces life face forward. A survivor is also someone who can stand to lose everything, start from scratch, and find the resources he/she needs to be successful. Dave and I are a strange combination, at times opposites, but fundamentally similar. As parents, we have tremendous influence on our children, directly and indirectly. So that brings me back to the theme of my note today.
Isaac possesses somewhat of a split personality. On the one hand he is willful, stubborn, independent, and very autonomous. On the other he is a sensitive, loving, and overly cautious child. He is a risk taker yet he understands danger. He loves structure, yet hates confinement. He is independent, yet he always makes sure we are around to watch his step. He has such a tender spot for animals that secretly I hope he becomes a wildlife Biologist. At times I just sit back and observe him and I am overwhelmed by his ability to translate the information around him into a language that makes sense to him. I am in awe by this creation. I can't take any of the credit, I just feel blessed to be a witness to this life being formed and I will do everything in my power to help my son succeed.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sense of purpose
I've never been one of those who can just watch TV for hours, spend entire Summers without a plan, or even enjoy life just being. I was born with a sense of purpose, a relentless need to accomplish. When I was younger my body could go on non-stop working several shifts, sleeping little, and not having any down time. As I get older I need more personal "quiet" time; time to reflect, to plan, to envision, to dream. Some days I envy people who are at ease just being. I'm not one of those. But most of the time I am content with my inner drive. I was given much and as such much is expected of me so I seek to find that sense of purpose.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Against all odds
A dear friend of mine recently suggested I should start a blog. For years I've thought about it but was too intimidated by technical difficulties I would encounter. Today I decided to give it a shot and voila! This was much easier than I had anticipated. I'm excited. Ready to take on this new journey and document life desde la profundidad de mi corazon.
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